there are times when I get so caught up
I get extremely negative and I don't give a fuck
about anything and I find every person around me a problem
doing something that I take as a slight or as negligent or unbothered
by the needs of everyone else around them
but mostly mine, if I'm honest, in these moments
it can make me a really miserable person to be around
so I try to hide that side when I go out

with other people so it comes out when I'm alone
driving in the car trying to find syringes that'll hold
a large enough amount of IV fluid
that my cat can process food and get rid of all the toxins
that are poisoning his sweet little body
because his kidney is failing and it's my responsibility
to give him the best possible chance of staying alive
so you can imagine how frustrated I was when I arrived

at shopper's drug mart to find out they didn't have the right syringe
after I called and asked specifically about this
and they'd already shuffled me through three different lines
which turned out to be a waste of twenty minutes of my time
and I know you're thinking 'come on man it's twenty minutes'
and you're right but that's just not the point now, is it
the point is I get to a place where I'm wearing very tinted glasses
and to every person who can't solve my problem I'd like to kick their fucking asses

like the man who nearly ran me over in the shopper's parking lot
then had the nerve to yell at me that I should better watch
I yelled back 'I was watching maybe you should take your own advice'
but the interaction only made me feel worse inside

does this happen to other people or is it just me
I think I remember this being a way my dad could be
so maybe it's linked to depression which I believe is connected
to a kind of hopelessness about the prospect of things ever getting better
I usually regret when I get into this place
the deeper I go the more I become a disgrace
childish and surly and miserable and short-tempered
and selfish and uncultured

I become exactly what is bothering me in other people
deeply and profoundly and effectively anti-social
embittered by other peoples' joy, energized by other peoples' hate
relishing the conflict because it justifies my own state
but again, none of it ever feels good
I'd push a button and be out of this feeling if I could
there's no button, but there's a flowing river
so I'm standing beside it, breathing in its air

trying to be reasonable to people, trying not to be a dick
I just got out of the way of a mom and two kids and a dog carrying a stick
and she thanked me and I thought it was nice because it wasn't a big deal
and so I tried to take that in and remember that not everyone is irredeemable

and I'll figure this thing out with the syringes right
I can try using smaller ones and filling them up and doing it twice
and I've got friends coming by tonight I'm making chicken pot pie
not from scratch, but it will still be good, I'm gonna really try

and we're gonna try to get some pills into this cat
cos in addition to the fluids he needs probiotics and we've had
no success at getting those pills down his throat
he just clamps up his jaw and wriggles and hollers and moans

but I'm lucky I have so much help in this
aliya stayed at my house for more than a week to help manage the crisis
and she looks things up for me and keeps me from getting too low
without her would we have gotten through this, I don't know
so instead of focusing on frustrating strangers
who probably have a long list of their own shit causing em anguish
I'm gonna thank this river and these trees and all my people
for helping me help this cat as we go through this upheaval

and I'll get back in the car and go down to bloor fruit and variety
and pick up some sage to help season the butternut squash gnocchi
that I'm making as a side because my friends are coming from the other side of the city
so I wanna make them a nice dinner and I wanna present it real pretty

my dad said something once about writing that with me seemed to stick
he said he didn't like ordinary descriptions of extraordinary situations
but extraordinary descriptions of ordinary situations and so
I don't know if that's what I'm doing but it's the road I'm trying to go
speaking of roads I'm driving up high park blvd right now
and it reminds me of a time years ago when my dad was in town
I had boxes and boxes of consumer goods cds in my house
so we took em to a high park apartment block dumpster and threw em out

i took a picture and my dad laughed and that's all I remember
and we went back to my place and probably had a beer and some dinner
it was a really dark night and back then I didn't have a vehicle
so the help was sweet but also very instrumental
and there's something of meaning in that memory
I don't know what it is but it's really stuck with me
something about clearing out old creations and making space for new ones
and a dad who just hops in the car to help you make it happen

speaking of things that happened I got through the bad mood
my friends came over and we played gloomhaven and we ate some food
and it's 2 am now and I'm propped up in bed with the cat on my lap
it's a good place to be considering the night he's had
see my friends were coming by in part to help give the cat an appetite stimulent
have you ever stuck a pill in a cat's mouth, it's no picnic
I couldn't do it alone but the three of us together got it in
and it was pretty upsetting for the cat and for awhile he looked totally broken

he just laid on the floor flatter than I've ever seen a living thing
he was traumatized, he had given up, it was heartbreaking
and the next that happened was gross you might not want to listen anymore
in his despair he took a shit right there on my beautiful old hardwood floor

it was probably one of the lowest moments of his life
so I held him close while anne, bless her heart, gave his furry little ass a wipe
and we brought him back around but man that was a terrible episode
I guess this is what it's like when you're a cat and you're getting old

I've written this song across a 48 hour span of time
during which my emotions have sunk to great depths and risen to such heights
that it's hard to know what kind of music I should attach it to
or whether I should cap it here or write another verse or two
inspiration is strange and unpredictable
I've been writing so much lately but I spent nearly two years in a silence so monastical
so now whenever something hits me I try to capture it
and later on I can sort it out and separate the good from the shit

a range that reflects these last 48 hours
the ups and downs like april's rains and may's flowers
the times when I feel hopeless, alone and like my cat is imminently dying
and those when I feel grateful for what I've had and what I have and what's left of our time
so no neatly tied up end to this one
no circles coming full or backs being called, no need to learn a lesson
just time to turn the light off and hold close whatever cat settles in
text aliya goodnight hope for good dreams and then do it all again