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Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Confusing Times, Feathers They Fall, Theory and Praxis, True Stories, Fall's Autumn, Every Glacier and Crevasse, Old Trees, Three of Wands, and 9 more.
1. |
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its snowing this afternoon, the start of winter
we're going to your brother's tonight he's making dinner
I wore a black sweater cos you guys all wear black
and I wanna fit in and be cool and not attract
undue attention to the way that I dress
which is sometimes pretty cool and sometimes a mess
and this black sweater is covered in
the fur of my cats yeah I bring em with
everywhere that I go, they're following me
their fur gets entangled in everything
and I'm so fucking grateful cos it helps me remembers
the love that I hold for those furry creatures
they don't do it intentionally
can't control if their fur gets on me
but I like to believe they want me to know
that they're thinking about me wherever I go
wondering if I'm bringing treats home
or if I'm staying out the night and leaving them alone
sometimes I carry a lot of guilt
when they're alone in the home we built
cos I don't know where I would be without them
they don't ask for much and they always forgive
if I leave it too long before their claws get a snip
if sometimes in my care for them I let a bit slip
I'm really nervous to write the next part
I know what I wanna say but I'm not sure how to start
cos my songs sometimes have a terrible predictive quality
I worry in a song and the worry becomes reality
and these cats are getting older so I don't need to say
what it is I don't wanna write I'm so afraid
I don't think I can do it
can we talk about something else
cos even starting to consider life after these cats
a lump is in my throat and I'm overwhelmed by the facts
that I'm not ready to accept so can we please change the subject
these cats are so sleepy I filled the dish but they haven't got up yet
and when I come home after a night out
to the front door they buzz around and meow
and I say 'hey little cazzos I missed you so much
tell me about your night while I fix you some lunch'
and they dramatically meow like they hadn't eaten in days
and I laugh and pet their heads and everybody's ok
and they listen when I play
they listen and they listen and they listen all day
especially the one whose fur is mostly grey
he just sits beside me and watches while I play
and he'll stare off into space
I think there's something comforting in the vibrations
and it makes him calm cos he knows I'm calm
and we feed off each other like a father and a son
and sometimes he gets up and walks away
which I take as a sign that the song has lost its way
and I'll stop writing until he comes back
or I'll put down the guitar and fill the dish up with snacks
cos it's not fucking important
whatever I'm writing will still be there in the morning
but every second with these cats is precious
from when they're curled in a ball to doing full body stretches
from their complete and utter indifference
to their anxiety and panic and persistence
from how hard they work to find the perfect position
to the look they give you when you interrupt a nap like 'how dare you what is this imposition'
and when they play with their octopus toy
it's been their favourite for years the little legs they enjoy
and then suddenly they're done with it
and they just walk away slowly and find a comfortable place to sit
I love their self-possession
they do things when they want masters of their own destiny
and yet, they still rely on me for love
and taking care of them may be the most important thing I've ever done
so I'm finishing this song on a plane
I'm flying from toronto to winnipeg
and there's a cat on board crying out in fear
I wish I could hold it and reassure it that everyone is here
but I won't see my own cats for four days
and it's so hard for them when I go away
wish I could text them 'hey guys what's up don't climb on the table
I love you and I miss you and I'll call you when I'm able'
but that's the tragedy of being a cat
you don't know when someone leaves if they're gonna come back
and I relate so hard to that feeling
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2. |
Diabetes
07:21
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if you know my songs you know my cats
and the quirks and conditions that they have
one is diabetic and the other is a clown
we do insulin in the morning, and when I go out of town
my upstairs neighbour takes good care of them
he's such a solid guy and I'm so grateful to him
because these two cats mean the world to me
and if anything happened to them I don't know where I would be
which brings me to January 16, 2020
I knew something was up with the healthy cat, something was funny
he's got a big personality, usually purring in my face
but he'd been quiet, subdued and restrained
and when I picked him up he was so light in my arms
and when I put him next to the food dish he just looked at me so distant and forlorn
this is really not how he is
he's a happy guy, it's his brother who's an emo goth kid
and then I noticed that he couldn't quite jump
from the floor to the bed in my room, it was just a little too much
he could do it last week
losing strength in the legs is a sign of advancing diabetes
and this is just what happened when his brother got sick
so we're going to the doc on saturday to get it all checked
I'm likely gonna have two diabetic cats
and it could be a lot worse but tonight I still feel really really sad
he's sitting here beside me looking so depressed
he doesn't know what's going on in his body and why he feels upset
and he doesn't know how all this is gonna end
I wanna say 'hey little buddy listen up, you're not dying, you just need some meds'
but the truth is we've got a road ahead
there is nothing remotely easy about the trip to the vet
and even worse is the time after he comes home
and I have to keep the cats separated from each other so
they don't fight because they're so freaked out
they forget themselves and each other and it's a mess of angry claws and snouts
these are delicate fucking creatures and they can quickly go
from everything is fine to full fucking panic mode
so my furry little friends we've got a week ahead of us
we're gonna get through it, but in the meantime buckle up
and there may be moments when I lose my cool
but remember I have endless love for both of you
remember I have endless love for both of you
remember I have endless love for both of you
I know that would have been the place to end the song
but it's bugging me bad that some of what I said turned out to be wrong
today I'm gonna sing these words and it's one week later
but the cat's not diabetic, he's got stage four kidney failure
and this week has been hell, I've barely slept and I'm a mess
but the cat's back home and he's doing ok under the circumstances
I don't know how long we have left together
and I've been fearing this day for a very long time but maybe it's better
to know it's coming, to have time to prepare
and to give this cat the very best possible palliative care
so this song has a coda just like my sweet little friend
and I'm making it soft and calm as we move closer to the end
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3. |
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there are times when I get so caught up
I get extremely negative and I don't give a fuck
about anything and I find every person around me a problem
doing something that I take as a slight or as negligent or unbothered
by the needs of everyone else around them
but mostly mine, if I'm honest, in these moments
it can make me a really miserable person to be around
so I try to hide that side when I go out
with other people so it comes out when I'm alone
driving in the car trying to find syringes that'll hold
a large enough amount of IV fluid
that my cat can process food and get rid of all the toxins
that are poisoning his sweet little body
because his kidney is failing and it's my responsibility
to give him the best possible chance of staying alive
so you can imagine how frustrated I was when I arrived
at shopper's drug mart to find out they didn't have the right syringe
after I called and asked specifically about this
and they'd already shuffled me through three different lines
which turned out to be a waste of twenty minutes of my time
and I know you're thinking 'come on man it's twenty minutes'
and you're right but that's just not the point now, is it
the point is I get to a place where I'm wearing very tinted glasses
and to every person who can't solve my problem I'd like to kick their fucking asses
like the man who nearly ran me over in the shopper's parking lot
then had the nerve to yell at me that I should better watch
I yelled back 'I was watching maybe you should take your own advice'
but the interaction only made me feel worse inside
does this happen to other people or is it just me
I think I remember this being a way my dad could be
so maybe it's linked to depression which I believe is connected
to a kind of hopelessness about the prospect of things ever getting better
I usually regret when I get into this place
the deeper I go the more I become a disgrace
childish and surly and miserable and short-tempered
and selfish and uncultured
I become exactly what is bothering me in other people
deeply and profoundly and effectively anti-social
embittered by other peoples' joy, energized by other peoples' hate
relishing the conflict because it justifies my own state
but again, none of it ever feels good
I'd push a button and be out of this feeling if I could
there's no button, but there's a flowing river
so I'm standing beside it, breathing in its air
trying to be reasonable to people, trying not to be a dick
I just got out of the way of a mom and two kids and a dog carrying a stick
and she thanked me and I thought it was nice because it wasn't a big deal
and so I tried to take that in and remember that not everyone is irredeemable
and I'll figure this thing out with the syringes right
I can try using smaller ones and filling them up and doing it twice
and I've got friends coming by tonight I'm making chicken pot pie
not from scratch, but it will still be good, I'm gonna really try
and we're gonna try to get some pills into this cat
cos in addition to the fluids he needs probiotics and we've had
no success at getting those pills down his throat
he just clamps up his jaw and wriggles and hollers and moans
but I'm lucky I have so much help in this
aliya stayed at my house for more than a week to help manage the crisis
and she looks things up for me and keeps me from getting too low
without her would we have gotten through this, I don't know
so instead of focusing on frustrating strangers
who probably have a long list of their own shit causing em anguish
I'm gonna thank this river and these trees and all my people
for helping me help this cat as we go through this upheaval
and I'll get back in the car and go down to bloor fruit and variety
and pick up some sage to help season the butternut squash gnocchi
that I'm making as a side because my friends are coming from the other side of the city
so I wanna make them a nice dinner and I wanna present it real pretty
my dad said something once about writing that with me seemed to stick
he said he didn't like ordinary descriptions of extraordinary situations
but extraordinary descriptions of ordinary situations and so
I don't know if that's what I'm doing but it's the road I'm trying to go
speaking of roads I'm driving up high park blvd right now
and it reminds me of a time years ago when my dad was in town
I had boxes and boxes of consumer goods cds in my house
so we took em to a high park apartment block dumpster and threw em out
i took a picture and my dad laughed and that's all I remember
and we went back to my place and probably had a beer and some dinner
it was a really dark night and back then I didn't have a vehicle
so the help was sweet but also very instrumental
and there's something of meaning in that memory
I don't know what it is but it's really stuck with me
something about clearing out old creations and making space for new ones
and a dad who just hops in the car to help you make it happen
speaking of things that happened I got through the bad mood
my friends came over and we played gloomhaven and we ate some food
and it's 2 am now and I'm propped up in bed with the cat on my lap
it's a good place to be considering the night he's had
see my friends were coming by in part to help give the cat an appetite stimulent
have you ever stuck a pill in a cat's mouth, it's no picnic
I couldn't do it alone but the three of us together got it in
and it was pretty upsetting for the cat and for awhile he looked totally broken
he just laid on the floor flatter than I've ever seen a living thing
he was traumatized, he had given up, it was heartbreaking
and the next that happened was gross you might not want to listen anymore
in his despair he took a shit right there on my beautiful old hardwood floor
it was probably one of the lowest moments of his life
so I held him close while anne, bless her heart, gave his furry little ass a wipe
and we brought him back around but man that was a terrible episode
I guess this is what it's like when you're a cat and you're getting old
I've written this song across a 48 hour span of time
during which my emotions have sunk to great depths and risen to such heights
that it's hard to know what kind of music I should attach it to
or whether I should cap it here or write another verse or two
inspiration is strange and unpredictable
I've been writing so much lately but I spent nearly two years in a silence so monastical
so now whenever something hits me I try to capture it
and later on I can sort it out and separate the good from the shit
a range that reflects these last 48 hours
the ups and downs like april's rains and may's flowers
the times when I feel hopeless, alone and like my cat is imminently dying
and those when I feel grateful for what I've had and what I have and what's left of our time
so no neatly tied up end to this one
no circles coming full or backs being called, no need to learn a lesson
just time to turn the light off and hold close whatever cat settles in
text aliya goodnight hope for good dreams and then do it all again
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4. |
Sunnybrook Park
10:39
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ok let me set the scene it's an early january monday
I'm in sunnybrook park waiting for a guy named landon to call me
to tell me that the servicing is finished and my toyota corolla is ready
so I can drive it home to my cats and a great big pile of grading
wow as I wrote that, landon called
I guess I still have the power of prediction in my songs
it's trivial maybe but it really trips me out
I've become conscious of it every time I write now
I'm gonna try to break the spell today
by noting that in writing down these words it's possible that I'm not paying
enough attention to the path I'm walking
through the snow along the side of a cliff with a steep dropping
it's beautiful and I can hear the creek down below
but it's a fifty foot drop and it's slippery along the edge from the snow
which is a bit wet because it's a melty day, two degrees and sunny
I think this song was gonna be about walking near the edge of a cliff
I was going to prove to myself that my songs aren't psychic
but I got another call and now the song's been derailed
but I also didn't fall down the side of a mountain, so, yay
really though I've been trippin out about the power of my worry
and this is bad because I struggle with this sort of thing already
and the fear that if I get too high and walk too close to the edge
I am destined to slide and fall and plummet to my death
see this is a thing with me
not fear of literal heights but of the idea of letting myself genuinely believe
that things are good, that I'm ok, everything is alright
which I associate with the feeling right before my life is blown up by dynamite
and now it's a week later but it's a similar kind of day
it's sunny and mild and thank god because I needed a break
from the cold of last week, I became so shut in
spending all my time in the house trying to get the cat to tuck in
to any one of the more than twenty different foods I'm trying to offer
to entice him into eating because he's not and it's making him suffer
and I know this means we're getting closer and closer to the end
but I can't accept it, I'm in denial I'm just trying to find the right blend
of smell, and taste, and position, and placement
that will unlock his instinct to dig into his bowl of chicken
with the proteins and the nutrients that his body needs to survive
come on cat, do this for me, you need to fucking stay alive
but yesterday something unlocked for me inside
aliya said no matter what you do he's in the cycle of his own life
and it's gonna end and it's gonna be shattering and the rest of us will still be here
and I'm crying trying to write this but it's what I needed to hear
so today I got outside and breathed the air and I let something go
the idea that I can save his life if I just do the right thing, but no
there's nothing much I can do that will change this cat's path
all I can do is love him and his brother and do my best to give him snacks
until the moment comes and my uncle ross says I'll know when it does
he and darlene have loved a lot of cats and I asked them if they could share any thoughts
and he said:
it's hard man because we love them so much. dar reminds me of a special vet we had, a kitty generation ago, whose advice was, when it gets to that stage, don't hang on for your sake, do what is best for your friend who seems no longer to have quality of life. it's very hard to make that decision but it is truly best. when you make the decision please be with him / hold him and comfort him with love. we love you pal.
and fuck, these are moments that just punch you in the gut
there's just so much fucking sadness cos there's so much fucking love
and as I've been going through this thing there are people who've reached out
to offer love and support and kindness and to help me stay grounded
my brother had two cats and he knows what's going on
so he's been texting me about starting a tashcan sinatras cover band and playing songs
that we both love and it's been fun to think about which songs we would play
and what the band would be called, I said garbage pail shipleys but I don't think it's gonna take
and my other brother's wife has been looking up our family tree online
she found a picture of a great great grandfather who looked exactly like my dad, it was frightening
and she shared this with me and we talked a bit back and forth
about family histories and I know they just wanted to check in and keep me on board
these are little things but the difference they make is enormous
like I'm still laughing at my brother's text about the band which stipulated 'no tricky chords'
so I'm gonna throw a few real doozies into this next section
to get em out of my system, ok here goes, cover your ears gavin
I wish all these people lived closer
one of my biggest regrets as I get older
is being so far from my sister and brothers
cos I'd really like to have a beer and play some covers
and play in the annual road hockey game
and spend saturdays roasting the carolina hurricanes
and read books with brynne before bed
and play catch with kiwi and try not to get hit in the head
and help fix each other's houses and garages
and complain about the potholes and the local tv ads
and just be a ten minute drive away
so that our lives are connected everyday
ok I'll bring it back to sunybrook park
these songs always make sense to me but I know for some of you it's hard
to follow the thread, to see the point, to understand where I'm going
it's like I'm making footprints in the snow but I forgot it's still snowing
and the sound of the snow crunching underneath my boots
in this park in 2020 takes me back to 1992
every day twice a day walking between my home and lincoln school
a lot of who I was back then, it still rings true
but knowing who I am and where I come from is so important
without that I could easily drift further and faster toward
the edge of that cliff all covered in ice
so thank you to the crunching snow and to all the people who keep me alive
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5. |
Losing All My Friends
21:06
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I've never witnessed any living creature die
and despite seeing it in the movies I've no idea what it's like in real life
but pretty soon I'm gonna know
because my little red cat is at the end and there's only one way this can go
last night I held him in my arms and I cried
and today he sat at my feet all day while I tried to write
but he can barely walk without falling over
because he's refusing to eat and there's really nothing I can do to force him
we've had nearly thirteen beautiful years together
he's seen me at my worst and he's seen me at my better
and I understand him intuitively and without language
I know from the look on his face if he's happy or sad or angry
or scared, I've seen that one a lot this last month
he's scared of what's happening in his body and of all the discomfort
and I'm sure he's scared of dying, because who the hell isn't
and I don't know what to tell him except that I'll be with him to the end
I go a little bit numb when I try to picture that moment
even though I should probably prepare because any day now I'm gonna live it
I don't know what it means to keep it together for a cat
he can read my emotions and to them he often reacts
does he need me to be strong and steady and reassuring
does he need to know that I will miss him and that his memory I will carry
does he need to be distracted so the last thing he feels isn't fear
god I would do any fucking thing to keep him here
part of me can't even believe that this is real
every day for the last thirteen years he's meowed while I fixed up his meals
and every day when I came home he ran up to the door with a little trill
like 'hey dad where the hell have you been my stomach is literally eating itself'
I don't mean to suggest that all he cared about was snacks
he was also very serious about rubbing his face against my hand
while I tried to grade papers and sometimes he'd flip right down on the stack
and I'd have to apologize to my students because there'd be fur on their exams
I have an endless list of things to say about this little guy
but all I think about is that very soon I will holding him while he dies
a lot of sad and hard things have happened in my life
but right now this one feels really dramatic and insane and horrifying
soon I'll be watching the life drain out of my beloved companion
and watching his brother trying to make sense of what is happening
I don't know what it's like to mourn one cat alongside another
or how to explain to him that he'll never again get to chase his brother
across the living room floor like a couple of maniacs
and onto the bed where their claws would jab my leg and give me heart attacks
and into the kitchen where they'd slide across the tiles
over the years they've probably chased each for hundreds of miles
and now one has reached the end of the road
and we have no idea what comes after, when the road ends where do you go
do you float into a place where there's an endless bowl of delicious snacks
or does everything fall silent, it just ends and that's that
I would do anything for these cats including ending their pain
but it's a lot harder in reality then when it's just an abstract thing you say
so I just listened to the trashcan sinatras song 'should I pray'
and when I got to the end of the song I asked myself the same
'am I talking to myself in these prayers
or will they lead me somewhere in death'
I don't know frank, but maybe I will pray for my little friend
as he crosses over into the unknown that is the end
and I will hold his paw from the start until the finish
and wherever in this world that he goes I will be with him
I've got just over twenty four hours left to spend with him
but I stepped out to get a coffee and it's just started snowing
and before I go home I'm gonna pop over to the pond in high park
to say hi to the ducks because right now I really need their support
animals understand life and death better than we do
some of my friends have come to say goodbye and cry and that's beautiful too
but we have this inherent sense of it not being fair like we've been cheated or wronged
animals understand that this is just the world carrying on
so I'm gonna spend ten minutes visiting with the ducks
to try to find some comfort in the midst of something that utterly fucking sucks
because like the ducks and my friends and the other cat, my life will continue
my time here isn't over and I have to be able to contribute
so a bit later that afternoon I walked down the street to get another coffee
and sat in front of the shop for a minute, it was still snowing
and i took a picture of the lithuanian banquet hall across the street
and couple came by and tied their dog up next to me
I don't always like dogs but this one I understood
she was an old black lab and she was tired and I recognized the look
in her eyes, she knew pain just like I did
so I sat with her and stroked her head and we were truly together for a minute
eventually I knew I had to go home and spend my last night with the cat
but nothing felt right, everything derailed and I went into a kind of panic
I guess it's hard to plan something like this, sometimes it just doesn't go the way
you wanted it to so you go to sleep and you wake up and it's a new day
and now it's that day and I'm crying in my bed
cos it's about nine hours this cat has left
and my body feels empty and sick and shaky and broken and unreal
but I'm trying to remember that this is a terrible terrible wound but over time it will heal
and I'm thankful because so many kind people have sent their love
my mother and my sister and my brother and greg and riaz and hulya and the neighbour who lives above
and we're only a few hours away and that song is still in my head
'lose a life, lose a love, losing all my friends'
this cat was all those things to me I know
he was a foundational piece of my life, I held him this morning and said 'you are my home'
he was love, he was the meaning of it, no creature ever loved so
and in the end he was my friend, he made the world warmer and made me less alone
yesterday the universe gave us a comforting blanket of snow
and today the sun came out to remind us that onward we must go
and I thanked him for the endless gifts he gave to me
the laughter, the love, the support and on my hardest days a reason to be
and now it's a few hours away from his last breath
and we're sitting together on my old chair and I'm rubbing his head
and we're watching the trains roll by and the wind blowing the snow
if there has to be a last afternoon this one is beautiful
and now he's sitting on the floor and I'm playing this song for him
goodbye my sweet friend, goodbye I love you and I forever will
until it's me sitting there getting ready to face the end of my life
you will be in my heart, I love you so much, goodbye
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6. |
Ashes
06:23
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I’m walking the boardwalk down in the beaches
a quick stop on the way to pick up the cat’s ashes
it’s early march but it’s 18 degrees and sunny
and I’m taking it as an expression of the cat’s generosity
cos this is obviously a pretty fucked up errand
but the sun is helping me make this day repairing
when I was little my parents read me a story and the end was my favourite part
when mr bell’s fix-it shop learned to fix broken hearts
my heart’s been broken so many times I can’t remember
a lot of times I needed a mr bell but there just wasn’t one there
as I get older I try harder and harder to find
mr bell’s in the sun and the wind and the rain and the birds and the sky
so I’m grateful to be able to walk outside today
I parked the car and walking further and further away
I should probably head back but it’s just so nice to see
all these people and their dogs and the seagulls feeling good beside the sea
but I passed a man a few minutes ago who looked like he was crying
he was walking with a border collie and wiping his eyes and I think he was trying
to manage the pain of whatever was going on
maybe that dog was sick or his wife was leaving or he lost his son
but that’s life, it’s pain and beauty all wrapped up together
nothing really getting worse nothing really getting better
just cycles and circles and dialectics repeating
yeah I just used the word dialectics and mischaracterized it’s meaning
so onward I went to collect the last of my cat
when for a moment I pulled over to check my position on the map
when a lady in her late sixties in a pink jacket walked past the car
and then she looked back and with her cane she sorta waved me over
she asked me if I could drive her to the td bank up the road
it was a nice day but it was still march and to her it was still cold
and it was a busy street for an old woman to walk
apparently she’d done this route recently and had a fall
so of course I drove her to the bank and offered to wait and drive her back
she was thankful and kind and told me about her son who was at home taking a nap
cos he worked the overnight shift stocking shelves at costco
so I helped her into the car and she talked to me while I drove
and later that afternoon I realized that that lady was the cat
she was sweet and funny and kind and she let
me take care of her in the way that I could just like that little waze did
and I was so grateful that through this strange encounter I was able to be with him
and across that day the sun gave way to light rain
the kind that smells warm like new life in the spring
and I lit a candle and I sat on my front step
and I smoked a cigar and said thank you to my sweet friend
and I’ve been staying close with the other cat
we’re watching curb your enthusiasm and he’s resting on my lap
it’s just the two of us now but we’re doing okay
spending a lot of time and taking it day to day to day
and we’ll watch over the ashes of our beloved friend
and like mr bell each other’s hearts we will learn to mend
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Tyler Shipley Toronto, Ontario
Tyler Shipley was the founding member of the Consumer Goods (theconsumergoods.bandcamp.com) and now performs as a solo artist.
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