Get all 17 Tyler Shipley releases available on Bandcamp and save 30%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Confusing Times, Feathers They Fall, Theory and Praxis, True Stories, Fall's Autumn, Every Glacier and Crevasse, Old Trees, Three of Wands, and 9 more.
1. |
Roads That Connect Us
06:49
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it's november in toronto and I'm driving down lakeshore boulevard
my favourite street in this city yeah I celebrate every single part
down underneath the gardiner feels like the mines of moria
and west along the island all lit up for christmas evokes euphoria
I love the sunset near parkside where you pass the white footbridge
the junction around york, yeah I'll admit, is a bit dangerous
sometimes I'll pretend I'm a race car driver down along the beach
and I always feel happier as I push further east
cos it usually means I'm going to see my friends nathan and anne
we play board games and tell stories and hang with their kitty cats
it's as close to family in this city that I have
there I feel content, I feel happy, I feel relaxed
I read recently about a company called sidewalk labs
gonna revamp all the space along the lake and it looks pretty bad
lot of people gonna get fucked over, lot of lives gonna get really hard
and I guarantee they'll fuck with my beloved lakeshore boulevard
the oldest section of the road out east near cherry beach
it's like driving over moguls on a hill for downhill skiing
if you take em too fast you'll hit your head on the car ceiling
shit like that usually makes me mad but this one gives me the greatest feeling
and when I'm going home after a night at my friends place
lakeshore is quiet I can cross the city in the time it takes
to listen to one song like bay of kotor by sun kil moon
and to my candles and my cats and my guitar I'll be home soon
I'll play a little bit before I go to bed
helps me settle down, helps me drown out everything
that I can't figure out, that I can't process and fit
into a map of everything that I have inside my head
some of my favourite places on the map are on lakeshore
like the park where in the summer we build fires and drink wine and eat smores
and the campus where I teach some perfect young people or
the greek restaurant in mimico overlooking the water
it's a bit strange to write a song about a road
but roads connect us and it's connection that I desperately hold
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2. |
Cinnabon Line
07:04
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its 7:15, it's snowing, and it's tuesday
so the cinnabon line at the dufferin mall was pretty sleepy
just me and one other person
she looked tired and maybe a bit sad, I can't be certain
but we shared a moment so human
she glanced at me while the cinnabon guy ran her credit card through and
I kinda smiled, a sad sorta smile like "hey
we're both middle aged people in a cinnabon line alone on a tuesday"
she kinda laughed and gave me the most genuine smile
it said "don't worry buddy this is life we're not on trial
nobody here to judge if we're getting cinnabons by ourselves in the evening
no one to say hey guys don't you think you should be out people meeting"
I was so struck by the simplicity of her message
conveyed with the slightest motion of her face in my direction
and suddenly I felt like the dufferin mall was my home
surrounded by a family I had never met and didn't know
I finished my cinnabon and started feeling pretty good
thought maybe I'd peruse the h&m and find a jacket if I could
I didn't wanna be rude I was taking up a table at the food court
there was a family there hovering I could tell my time was short
once I got up I realized my legs felt a bit thick
I guess that cinnabon was starting to really take effect
and all that energy I had well it started to drain away
I looked around and I thought "you people aren't my family"
the music was grating and I needed to get out
sweating in my coat in the dollarama line I wanted to fucking shout
and at the moment when all hell was gonna break loose inside of me
I had another moment with a person that made me feel empathy
when I was paying for kleenex the lady at the counter asked if I collected air miles
I thought nothing of it but she suddenly laughed and said "sorry sorry never mind"
I realized that dollarama doesn't do air miles so she must have got confused
with another job, she obviously works at least two
I asked her "do you also work at shoppers drug mart"
she said rexall and I felt both love and pain in my heart
this woman was twenty or thirty years older than me
working two or more shitty jobs at box stores as a cashier
I thanked her for the kleenex and I said "I hope you get a break soon"
she put the bill inside my bag and said "have a nice day" I said "you too"
and I remembered that we're all fucking human
and capitalism is crushing all our souls and we gotta stop consuming
I went back out into the light snow
and for a moment I tried to let go
of the certainty with which I know
that this world is crushing every person I hold close
I went back out into the light snow
and dreamt of a place I would like to go
where we took care of one another and never let go
of the the knowledge that we're in this together and we're better together than alone
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3. |
The People We Love
08:10
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you may not know this if you don't know me well
but the more observant among you can maybe tell
I crack a lot of jokes and I take the piss out of life
but I'm often deeply melancholic inside
it's not a lie and when I laugh with you it's real
cos making jokes and having fun is how I deal
with the unstoppable force that is depression
coming at me every hour of every minute of every second
it gets me when I'm with you and when I'm all alone
it gets me when my house is too hot and when it's too cold
it gets me for reasons I truly can't explain
like when I think about the times I got real deep into a video game
like when I played the godfather for xbox 360
I spent untold hours shaking guys down for the corleone family
and honestly I had a lot of fun
but I think about that time in my life and my heart suddenly weighs a ton
is it because the game was an escape from an unhappy life
is it because I was playing games not raising kids with a wife
is it because I wanna be out there in someone else's skin
even a mobster extorting local businesses and running gin
but hang on a minute I'm losing the thread
it's important to finish the cycle aliya said
and I take the things she tells me seriously
I'm not sure that's something that always came naturally
but it does now so let me backtrack to where I mentioned
the endless list of things that fill me with depression
like when someone gives me a gift that I don't really like
and it exposes the magnitude of distance between them and I
or when I think about the times my dad asked me to go with him
to the hardware store to get nail and drywall anchors and baseboard trim
it sounded so boring and I had better things to do with my time
like make lists of all my x-men toys and who would defeat who in a fight
but everytime I'd hear the door of his lincoln town car close
it would hit me like a ton of bricks that I didn't want to play alone
and I would run downstairs and try to catch him before he left
but down the driveway and up the street his tail lights went
this all holds a lot more meaning to me now that he's passed
but even then I would cry and I would feel alone and feel like a stupid ass
and all these years later I think I understand
that I was probably reacting to the knowledge that I had hurt my dad
see I didn't really get it then but he struggled too
depression could swallow him for days and weeks and months though I never knew
and sometimes now when it's got me in its grasp
I think about him and how he battled so he could still be a good dad
it makes me grateful and I wanna pass that on
and give the gifts he gave to me to someone
but who? there's no one here
what have I got to show for thirty-seven years?
please don't misunderstand me, I'm ok
I've got two cats and I love them unreservedly
I play games with my friends and I pay all my bills
and sometimes I meet someone and I think this is it, this is real
and maybe it is this time, who am I to say
but I won't show her this song because she might take it the wrong way
for everyone one of my struggles she's had em too
just like everyone everywhere and yeah buddy that includes you
listening along thinking "wow that sounds heavy"
I've got good news and bad news friend you better get ready
the shit's coming for every one of us one way or another
and I'll be here when it does, I will be your brother
I'll be here when it does, I will be your brother
if you divorce your husband, if you lose your mother
if your kid gets cancer, if you're heart gets broke
if you look out at the world and you start losing hope
I won't blame you, I won't stop you, I won't tell you you're wrong
I'll just be here beside you humming along
cos life is short and kinda fucked up
but my dad taught me to take care of the people we love
take care of the people we love
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4. |
Master Benjamin
05:21
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I teach at a college and I like young people very much
but I gotta be honest about their music man it fuckin sucks
I don't expect them to listen to sad old man music like mine
but the stuff coming out their car windows, man my gears grind
sometimes they clog up the hallway to my office taking naps and eating food
and I get it, there's no space, but making other people smell your leftovers is rude
this is my workspace and when it comes to smell I'm highly sensitive
ok ok I know this sample size is not representative
yeah ok looking back at those last lines I feel I've shamed myself a bit
getting caught up in what is 100% my own shit
laying the blame at these generally really solid young kids
who frankly bring more to my life then I typically admit
sometimes they really make me laugh
like when this guy named benjamin insisted I call him "master"
so he became "master benjamin" all year and the joke never got old
like one time he gave me some lip and I said "master benjamin do as you're told"
but it was in good fun, we're totally solid
and this one time in class I was sharing with them a personal problem
and master benjamin piped up "sir who d'you want me to shank"
and I laughed and everyone laughed and I really meant it when I gave him my thanks
and that same day another student came to me to talk
to say her life had been totally changed by the stuff I taught
and she was having problems at home and couldn't finish her assignment
she was upset like it was some terrible indictment
so I told her the paper didn't matter
what mattered was her health, and her family and love and laughter
and that I didn't care when she handed it in
as long as she took care of herself, that's what important
and she cried and I wanted to reach out and hold her
it was like how I imagine being a father to a daughter
but of course I didn't do it cos its 2019
and you can't go around hugging students like some libertine
the truth is I care about these young people so much
for them I would take a bullet, for them I would throw a punch
even when they bring in takes and perspectives that are questionable
I view them as people for whom I must care and be responsible
sometimes I wish I could care for myself like I care for them
to them I'm able to give advice and acumen
and they look to me for an example of how to be in the world
and I can, and I do, but I need guidance and care too, I've learned
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5. |
Give Me a Pill
08:03
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fuck, I just want to go
somewhere, anywhere, up in the sky, down in a hole
somewhere I can get a clean change of clothes
a shower, a bed, some fresh air, no bugs and no phones
somewhere I don't have to talk to my mother while her father dies
somewhere I don't have to figure out which car we're gonna drive
somewhere you're not in pain and I'm not anxious about our life
somewhere I can push a button and be done with the book I'm trying to write
it's not that this world is irredeemably shitty
in a different moment I can hold all that's good and see all the beauty
but right this second I'm losing my grip and it ain't pretty
don't wanna see or be seen anywhere in this fucking city
I don't wanna eat, just give me a fucking pill
I don't wanna be fair, I just wanna think about myself
don't want an opinion just wanna be an empty shell
I just want nothing, absolutely nothing, everything standing still
will someone teach me how to disassociate?
I don't know why there's a stigma around something so great
as removing yourself entirely from the human condition
and disappearing into a world that's safe, secure, uplifting
I wouldn't necessarily do it all the time
I wouldn't do it when I'm watching movies with my friends and drinking red wine
or when I come to the plate with the tying run at second base
on my summer softball league team that has fun and doesn't win a lot of games
but when I'm falling apart and I gotta shut everything down
unplug all the wires, remove the speakers, turn off the sound
I know you're thinking "this guy should probably smoke some pot"
yeah maybe I should I wish it were simple but it's not
it makes me anxious and I really fucking hate the smell
and everything's fucked up since it became legal for julian fantino to sell
and do you really go away?
seems like you just get slower and have a bunch of dumbass shit to say
when I'm spinning into panic at the prospect of loss
I need to leave, I need to go, I need to be totally absolutely gone
I need to lose all sense of self and place
let go of every single thread holding me to this space
quit every question burning through my chest
be nowhere, be nothing, completely disconnect
as I was writing these words, the world proved my point
bombs are falling in Iran, another war beginning, nothing is alright
there'll be demonstrations downtown for a few days
absolutely positively nothing is the difference these protests make
I don't mean to be such a bummer
nor do I think that not protesting is any better
but fuck it's times like these I wanna just go away
get buried in guitars and synthesizers and obliviate
any part of me that cares about anything outside this room
cos nothing out there is growing, nothing is gonna bloom
even when I'm deeply in it, leading a class
through the exploitation of human labour and the wealth that the owners amass
less than half of me is there, more than half of me is not
and I'd like to adjust the ratio, cos this world is coming in hot
I won't withdraw forever and lose the opportunity
to sing, and play guitar, and make albums that don't generate much web activity
but this vessel can't manage the currents around it
it's cracking and breaking and sinking and I'm not wearing a life jacket
I need to lose all sense of self and place
let go of every single thread holding me to this space
quit every question burning through my chest
be nowhere, be nothing, completely disconnect
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6. |
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the title of this track is my thoughts on the soviet union
and while this'll be boring to most I know it'll activate a few of you
cos the Soviet Union is the focal point of many people's views
about right and wrong in this world and what we need to do
let me start this story with my drive into work this morning
I got a meeting with my boss who received an email that was disturbing
from an angry right wing person in finland who was very upset
my boss showed me the email and the email said:
"the one thing I have found most distasteful when doing my own studies in universities are the lecturers/professors/docents such who are completely incapable of keeping political indoctrination of their own completely broken worldviews away from their teaching. you seem like a prime example of such even though you are apparently even not man enough to stand behind your own words since you have deleted your recent tweets. I revel in the fact that every single time an ultra socialist even communist regimes have risen to power it has always been the sympathizers of such that have gotten themselves exterminated first. by trying to tell the finnish people of their own history in an absolutely twisted way you are not just insulting me but the people as a whole. regards"
ok there's a lot to unpack in here
I'm not sure where to start but I wanna make one thing clear
I was not insulting "the finnish people" why would I do that?
my childhood hero was teemu selanne the finnish flash
I've cheered for sami salo and teppo numminen and saku koivu
and one of my mentors was the finnish academic liisa north who
taught me the importance of knowing my shit
getting it right, not making stuff up, having a point and standing by it
so when I engaged in a public discussion about finland in the second world war
I knew what I was there for
the only finns I took issue with were the ones who supported hitler
and unfortunately it wasn't a small group, I wish the number was smaller
see back in 1917 the world was in turmoil
the first war fucked everyone up and it radicalized a lot of people
russian, finn, hungarians and so many more
sick and tired of being sick, of being hungry, of being poor
so they rebelled against the rich and powerful but oh
these things don't often go the way we would like them to go
in russia the people won but everywhere else
the rich closed ranks and shut it down and a lot of good people were killed
that's how it all went down in finland you see
and the finnish elite stayed close to the right and later to nazi germany
so if you're picking sides in the finland-soviet war
don't pick the side that sent people to death camps for
being jewish or communist or quote unquote disloyal
finland that was you, I'm really sorry if your narrative is spoiled
this has all been documented by finnish scholars like oula silvennoinen
so don't blame me for sharing truths if they're annoying
and I guess this brings me back around to the question of the soviet union
and how do we walk a measured line with power between exercising and abusing
because frankly if you share the goals of communism as I do, you have to admit
that under the same circumstances you might make the same choices that the soviets did
but at the same time I suspect that if I'd lived there in the thirties
I'd stand a reasonable chance of being targeted in the purges
so all these years later it's not easy to assess this thing carefully
you can easily find yourself attacking too hard or going too easy
what I know for sure is that life for many people got a lot better
and to deny that is to miss something that really really matters
but even more profoundly important than that
is another fundamental and incontrovertible fact
the ussr was built on a series of fundamental beliefs
about the inherent value of all people, not just the elite
and that as a society we're capable of so much more
than to monetize everything and put greed and selfish behaviour at the core
so not thank you trolls, I don't wanna go to the gulag
no, anarchists, I don't think it was always destined to bog
down into a repressive state apparatus
man, the entire ruling class was coming at us
so yeah I wish things had gone a whole lot differently
but what was started back in 1917
is the most important thing we're ever gonna do
so I'm gonna need a whole lot more of you
I'm gonna need a whole lot more of you
I'm gonna need a whole lot more of you
get in loser we're building something brand new
I'm gonna need a whole lot more of you
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7. |
Develin
04:16
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one night around six by the wallace street bridge
between a high traffic street and the railroad fence
was a cat looking desperate, trying to cross
so I coaxed her over, scooped her up into my arms
we crossed dundas avenue and I put her down
and for the next three hours I followed her around
and tried to convince her to walk into the neighbourhood
and away from the dangerous street to someplace where I could
console myself that she was gonna be alright
cos it was cold, it was November, and I was already having a night
but this cat walked alongside me, back and forth
on the west side of dundas checking out every back lane, garden, front porch
I'm not gonna lie, I got pretty attached
couple times I tried to leave, got six steps away, then turned to come back
a lot of people looked at us like we were nuts
just a guy, walkin his cat with no leash, while people stared from the windows of the bus
at one point we went into an alley where I thought she'd be safe
so I said "ok my friend this is where I leave you, I hope our paths cross again some day"
next thing I know, she popped her head out from behind an old crate
hopped along over to me meowing like she was celebrating her birthday
I know at this point you're probably getting nervous
cos I don't write a lot of happy songs and all this detail must have a purpose
so let me spoil the ending, you can relax, develin is ok
I follow her on instagram now, she's got more followers every day
so we just kept walking together for a very long time
occasionally people stopped but mostly kept walkin on by
one woman looked at my face and said "hey man are you doing ok?"
I said "no, thanks for asking, there's a cat under this porch and I don't know where she lives or how to keep her safe"
it turns out she lives on the other side of the bridge
with a woman who came to pick her up and didn't seem too conscientious
I looked at develin and I knew she wasn't mine to care for
but I tried to impress upon her the importance of not crossing dundas anymore
I went home, I was so cold
memories of develin I'll forever hold
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8. |
The Mantle
07:46
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today I woke up feeling well below my best
the cat came over and he got comfortable on my chest
and I'm lying if I say I suddenly felt different
but sometimes the difference it makes is hard at first to detect
when he started trying to get up there I pushed him away
I said "cat fuck off I'm really not in the mood today"
but bless his perfect heart he just kept whittling away
until by sheer force of will he won the battle and I caved
and a few minutes later I had tears on my face
cos when you need love the most is usually when you push love away
but cats see through all that bullshit and they love you anyway
and for twelve years these beautiful creatures have taken care of me
and I could feel his little heart beating next to mine
and in that moment I could feel the passage of time
and I couldn't ignore the fact that they're getting older faster than I
and one day in the not so distant future we will say our last goodbye
and I cried and I cried and I cried
I was already having a rough day and I was overtired
and the tears flowed down my face into the pillow where they dried
and all that time his sweet little body rested on mine
I'm thirty-seven years old and by now I wish I'd figured out
how to let things go that I cared about
to celebrate the quality of time we had not mourn the limited amount
to keep my heart tender when it wants to peace out
this wasn't supposed to be a song about my cat
it was supposed to be about a conversation last night that left me feeling bad
and all the questions I still have
like where is my life going? am I a good man?
and what does it mean to be nearly forty and falling in love?
sometimes it's deeply satisfying sometimes it's fucking rough
eighty years combined of baggage and trauma and stuff
that can't be easily worked out in a couple of blissful months
and people my age are scared
we're lonely and we're sad but we've been burned so we play like we don't care
when we do, too much sometimes, and that's fair
cos there's a lot at stake when into the abyss of old age you're beginning to stare
but all our shit is complicated
the pathway through our hearts have taken years to be created
and no architect sat down and said "this is how we will arrange it"
no map to guide a visitor how best to navigate it
and if I'm honest with you fuck I want to try
I know I'm getting older and my cats are gonna die
and I can manage on my own but then what's the point of life
I want to give and take and love and build and hold and hurt and cry
and raise kids, nice ones with strong personalities
who learn to grow and care and tell good jokes and challenge me
and who make this world a better place than maybe it deserves to be
and who take care of you when I can't manage that responsibility
but also just to plant gardens and read comics and play in the snow
and write stories and visit winnipeg and stay home from school with a cold
and ask questions like "dad when the sun sets where does it go"
which hopefully I can answer because it pisses me off when there's something I don't know
all of this is so easy to picture
and at the same time seems like complete and utter fiction
and what I didn't say about the cat is that he came to me covered in cat litter
so I try not to paint idealized versions of the future
but at the same time how else do you move forward
getting older is about choosing to believe in your resources
and trust that you can find the right balance of forces
to take care of the beautiful things you cultivate among the disorder
sometimes I think you think I think its simple
you think you're the one who sees the many ways it could unravel
you're watching wary from the ground while I climb up in the saddle
like I'm over here putting pictures of our kids up on the mantle
maybe it's my own fault for trying so hard to master
the times when I feel like impending disaster
is waiting round the corner as our hearts get closer
that we're inches away from a collapse so spectacular
that I may not recover
that one heart will break and then it will break the other
and then I'll sink into a hole and that hole will be covered
my soul never ascend, forever it will hover
and I don't know where all of this leaves us
I'm struggling today and I'm trying to keep focus
but there's bites all up my arm, I think it's from bedbugs
and my rent is going up when it's already too much
sometimes it's too much to bear on my own
I'm grateful to these cats but I can't put down my phone
if there's a fundamental truth about 2019 it's that we're all fucking alone
and that's a terrible way to end a song but I knocked on the door and my heart just isn't home
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9. |
Trapped
04:22
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it's a beautiful day in june, twenty degrees with a breeze, but I'm indoors
watching a show about a murder that takes place in iceland in a small town in a winter storm
I'm stuck in here with the cats while we wait for the poison spray in the rest of the house to dry
cos I was getting bit by bed bugs and I was sick of it and I didn't know what to do so I called a guy
the tv show is called trapped and that's how I feel as I watch people through the window walk by
and also in the sense that I've been captive in this house knowing bugs were crawling and biting on me in the night
and further to that I feel trapped by the deadline that's looming for the book I'm trying to write
and sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my body when what I really wanna be is a free-floating mind
I don't wanna get old to get back pain or cancer or dental surgery or shingles or hives
sometimes I hate having to eat I wish I could take a pill and get all my nutrients and vitamins
I had bad smells and discomfort and excessive noise and extreme heat and when my hands are cold as ice
and I joke about carrying a cyanide pill so that if I ever get too old and pained I can quickly end my life
but I know that's stupid and the pleasures of the mind aren't all they're cracked up to be
and to think they exist outside the body is irrationality
sometimes I drop the repressed act and allow myself to just be
and I know you like those moments in me
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10. |
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some days I can't help but think about loss
and the extraordinary power it possesses over all of us
especially me, I've done so much to limit the chances
of being consumed by love and then consumed by its absence
so here I am pushing forty effectively alone
although I want so badly to be building a home
a place that's safe and happy and clean and full of laughter
a beautiful story before, during and after
but loss, oh loss is just around the bend
for every mother, father, lover, child and friend
people die, people leave, and people change
no matter what you do you just can't hold everything in place
this has been the hardest thing I've ever had to learn
halfway through my life and still that fear inside me burns
burns a place somewhere between my heart and my stomach
burns a hole so deep I could forever into it plummet
but I've done a lot of hurt
to myself and to others
out of fearing the worst
sometimes I walk the humber river when I need to breathe
I watch the cardinals fly and the cottonwood drift in the breeze
I watch the sunlight twinkle off the river magically
I watch the salmon jump and I spend time with the ducks and the geese
it helps me get out of the tight space in my mind
it helps me remember that I am small and the world is wide
sometimes I'm overwhelmed by the beauty that is life
and more than once all alone by that river I have cried
and in that place I say "tyler don't be afraid
life is always in motion, everything will change
and when it does, be steady and take it on
and anytime you need to come back to this river and walk"
and that's great and I try really hard to listen
but all along this trail they're putting up high-density condo buildings
and soon these peaceful paths will be overrun
by people in spandex walking their dogs and talking loudly on the phone
but I've done a lot of hurt
to myself and to others
out of fearing the worst
there's a part of the trail I wish you could see
the trees grow right over the path and form a canopy
and the sun pokes through in tiny specks
like the hearts on the ceiling above your childhood bed
those hearts glowed in the dark and isn't that fitting
it's what we both are trying to do from where each of us is sitting
we're afraid, we want to love but all around is dark
and that's why I'm out here trying to find the light in this beautiful park
maybe one of us will find it while the other succumbs
and we'll spiral away from each other until we're done
and the threads we wove to hold each other close
we will purge from our bodies like parasites infecting the host
but I will try, fuck I will try not to fear an end
not to worry that you'll die or leave or do harm that I can't mend
and to remember if I can that you're the same as me
just a soft little thing in a fucked up world, trying to be
but we do a lot of hurt
to ourselves and to others
out of fearing the worst
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11. |
Blues
02:55
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there's a certain shade of blue I get
blue light tightness in my throat and in my chest
blue like I can't seem to get a full deep breath
blue like I'm somewhere between living and dead
when I'm taken over by the deepest blue
and I don't know how or what I can do
to numb the sensation that I wanna be sick
and instead just try to live in it
I don't mean to sound like a cheap self-help guide
but listen, I gotta lot of experience being a sad old guy
sometimes that blue it's the colour of the sea
and if you're not careful you'll sink into it until you can't breath
but sometimes that blue can be the big sky
seen from somewhere above the tree line
or the blue in the jersey of your favourite team
that lived and died on the shoulders of Henrik Sedin
some blues are beautiful and real and they can make you cry
like I try to do with nearly every song I write
I've spent a lot of time trying to keep the blues at bay
but they are the person I am and that person is here to stay
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Tyler Shipley Toronto, Ontario
Tyler Shipley was the founding member of the Consumer Goods (theconsumergoods.bandcamp.com) and now performs as a solo artist.
Tyler Shipley recommends:
But We Don't Shoot Pistols?
by The Consumer Goods
Political pop rock from 2006-2011
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