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Coral Linus: Memories of the World That Was

by Tyler Shipley

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1.
it's november in toronto and I'm driving down lakeshore boulevard my favourite street in this city yeah I celebrate every single part down underneath the gardiner feels like the mines of moria and west along the island all lit up for christmas evokes euphoria I love the sunset near parkside where you pass the white footbridge the junction around york, yeah I'll admit, is a bit dangerous sometimes I'll pretend I'm a race car driver down along the beach and I always feel happier as I push further east cos it usually means I'm going to see my friends nathan and anne we play board games and tell stories and hang with their kitty cats it's as close to family in this city that I have there I feel content, I feel happy, I feel relaxed I read recently about a company called sidewalk labs gonna revamp all the space along the lake and it looks pretty bad lot of people gonna get fucked over, lot of lives gonna get really hard and I guarantee they'll fuck with my beloved lakeshore boulevard the oldest section of the road out east near cherry beach it's like driving over moguls on a hill for downhill skiing if you take em too fast you'll hit your head on the car ceiling shit like that usually makes me mad but this one gives me the greatest feeling and when I'm going home after a night at my friends place lakeshore is quiet I can cross the city in the time it takes to listen to one song like bay of kotor by sun kil moon and to my candles and my cats and my guitar I'll be home soon I'll play a little bit before I go to bed helps me settle down, helps me drown out everything that I can't figure out, that I can't process and fit into a map of everything that I have inside my head some of my favourite places on the map are on lakeshore like the park where in the summer we build fires and drink wine and eat smores and the campus where I teach some perfect young people or the greek restaurant in mimico overlooking the water it's a bit strange to write a song about a road but roads connect us and it's connection that I desperately hold
2.
its 7:15, it's snowing, and it's tuesday so the cinnabon line at the dufferin mall was pretty sleepy just me and one other person she looked tired and maybe a bit sad, I can't be certain but we shared a moment so human she glanced at me while the cinnabon guy ran her credit card through and I kinda smiled, a sad sorta smile like "hey we're both middle aged people in a cinnabon line alone on a tuesday" she kinda laughed and gave me the most genuine smile it said "don't worry buddy this is life we're not on trial nobody here to judge if we're getting cinnabons by ourselves in the evening no one to say hey guys don't you think you should be out people meeting" I was so struck by the simplicity of her message conveyed with the slightest motion of her face in my direction and suddenly I felt like the dufferin mall was my home surrounded by a family I had never met and didn't know I finished my cinnabon and started feeling pretty good thought maybe I'd peruse the h&m and find a jacket if I could I didn't wanna be rude I was taking up a table at the food court there was a family there hovering I could tell my time was short once I got up I realized my legs felt a bit thick I guess that cinnabon was starting to really take effect and all that energy I had well it started to drain away I looked around and I thought "you people aren't my family" the music was grating and I needed to get out sweating in my coat in the dollarama line I wanted to fucking shout and at the moment when all hell was gonna break loose inside of me I had another moment with a person that made me feel empathy when I was paying for kleenex the lady at the counter asked if I collected air miles I thought nothing of it but she suddenly laughed and said "sorry sorry never mind" I realized that dollarama doesn't do air miles so she must have got confused with another job, she obviously works at least two I asked her "do you also work at shoppers drug mart" she said rexall and I felt both love and pain in my heart this woman was twenty or thirty years older than me working two or more shitty jobs at box stores as a cashier I thanked her for the kleenex and I said "I hope you get a break soon" she put the bill inside my bag and said "have a nice day" I said "you too" and I remembered that we're all fucking human and capitalism is crushing all our souls and we gotta stop consuming I went back out into the light snow and for a moment I tried to let go of the certainty with which I know that this world is crushing every person I hold close I went back out into the light snow and dreamt of a place I would like to go where we took care of one another and never let go of the the knowledge that we're in this together and we're better together than alone
3.
you may not know this if you don't know me well but the more observant among you can maybe tell I crack a lot of jokes and I take the piss out of life but I'm often deeply melancholic inside it's not a lie and when I laugh with you it's real cos making jokes and having fun is how I deal with the unstoppable force that is depression coming at me every hour of every minute of every second it gets me when I'm with you and when I'm all alone it gets me when my house is too hot and when it's too cold it gets me for reasons I truly can't explain like when I think about the times I got real deep into a video game like when I played the godfather for xbox 360 I spent untold hours shaking guys down for the corleone family and honestly I had a lot of fun but I think about that time in my life and my heart suddenly weighs a ton is it because the game was an escape from an unhappy life is it because I was playing games not raising kids with a wife is it because I wanna be out there in someone else's skin even a mobster extorting local businesses and running gin but hang on a minute I'm losing the thread it's important to finish the cycle aliya said and I take the things she tells me seriously I'm not sure that's something that always came naturally but it does now so let me backtrack to where I mentioned the endless list of things that fill me with depression like when someone gives me a gift that I don't really like and it exposes the magnitude of distance between them and I or when I think about the times my dad asked me to go with him to the hardware store to get nail and drywall anchors and baseboard trim it sounded so boring and I had better things to do with my time like make lists of all my x-men toys and who would defeat who in a fight but everytime I'd hear the door of his lincoln town car close it would hit me like a ton of bricks that I didn't want to play alone and I would run downstairs and try to catch him before he left but down the driveway and up the street his tail lights went this all holds a lot more meaning to me now that he's passed but even then I would cry and I would feel alone and feel like a stupid ass and all these years later I think I understand that I was probably reacting to the knowledge that I had hurt my dad see I didn't really get it then but he struggled too depression could swallow him for days and weeks and months though I never knew and sometimes now when it's got me in its grasp I think about him and how he battled so he could still be a good dad it makes me grateful and I wanna pass that on and give the gifts he gave to me to someone but who? there's no one here what have I got to show for thirty-seven years? please don't misunderstand me, I'm ok I've got two cats and I love them unreservedly I play games with my friends and I pay all my bills and sometimes I meet someone and I think this is it, this is real and maybe it is this time, who am I to say but I won't show her this song because she might take it the wrong way for everyone one of my struggles she's had em too just like everyone everywhere and yeah buddy that includes you listening along thinking "wow that sounds heavy" I've got good news and bad news friend you better get ready the shit's coming for every one of us one way or another and I'll be here when it does, I will be your brother I'll be here when it does, I will be your brother if you divorce your husband, if you lose your mother if your kid gets cancer, if you're heart gets broke if you look out at the world and you start losing hope I won't blame you, I won't stop you, I won't tell you you're wrong I'll just be here beside you humming along cos life is short and kinda fucked up but my dad taught me to take care of the people we love take care of the people we love
4.
I teach at a college and I like young people very much but I gotta be honest about their music man it fuckin sucks I don't expect them to listen to sad old man music like mine but the stuff coming out their car windows, man my gears grind sometimes they clog up the hallway to my office taking naps and eating food and I get it, there's no space, but making other people smell your leftovers is rude this is my workspace and when it comes to smell I'm highly sensitive ok ok I know this sample size is not representative yeah ok looking back at those last lines I feel I've shamed myself a bit getting caught up in what is 100% my own shit laying the blame at these generally really solid young kids who frankly bring more to my life then I typically admit sometimes they really make me laugh like when this guy named benjamin insisted I call him "master" so he became "master benjamin" all year and the joke never got old like one time he gave me some lip and I said "master benjamin do as you're told" but it was in good fun, we're totally solid and this one time in class I was sharing with them a personal problem and master benjamin piped up "sir who d'you want me to shank" and I laughed and everyone laughed and I really meant it when I gave him my thanks and that same day another student came to me to talk to say her life had been totally changed by the stuff I taught and she was having problems at home and couldn't finish her assignment she was upset like it was some terrible indictment so I told her the paper didn't matter what mattered was her health, and her family and love and laughter and that I didn't care when she handed it in as long as she took care of herself, that's what important and she cried and I wanted to reach out and hold her it was like how I imagine being a father to a daughter but of course I didn't do it cos its 2019 and you can't go around hugging students like some libertine the truth is I care about these young people so much for them I would take a bullet, for them I would throw a punch even when they bring in takes and perspectives that are questionable I view them as people for whom I must care and be responsible sometimes I wish I could care for myself like I care for them to them I'm able to give advice and acumen and they look to me for an example of how to be in the world and I can, and I do, but I need guidance and care too, I've learned
5.
fuck, I just want to go somewhere, anywhere, up in the sky, down in a hole somewhere I can get a clean change of clothes a shower, a bed, some fresh air, no bugs and no phones somewhere I don't have to talk to my mother while her father dies somewhere I don't have to figure out which car we're gonna drive somewhere you're not in pain and I'm not anxious about our life somewhere I can push a button and be done with the book I'm trying to write it's not that this world is irredeemably shitty in a different moment I can hold all that's good and see all the beauty but right this second I'm losing my grip and it ain't pretty don't wanna see or be seen anywhere in this fucking city I don't wanna eat, just give me a fucking pill I don't wanna be fair, I just wanna think about myself don't want an opinion just wanna be an empty shell I just want nothing, absolutely nothing, everything standing still will someone teach me how to disassociate? I don't know why there's a stigma around something so great as removing yourself entirely from the human condition and disappearing into a world that's safe, secure, uplifting I wouldn't necessarily do it all the time I wouldn't do it when I'm watching movies with my friends and drinking red wine or when I come to the plate with the tying run at second base on my summer softball league team that has fun and doesn't win a lot of games but when I'm falling apart and I gotta shut everything down unplug all the wires, remove the speakers, turn off the sound I know you're thinking "this guy should probably smoke some pot" yeah maybe I should I wish it were simple but it's not it makes me anxious and I really fucking hate the smell and everything's fucked up since it became legal for julian fantino to sell and do you really go away? seems like you just get slower and have a bunch of dumbass shit to say when I'm spinning into panic at the prospect of loss I need to leave, I need to go, I need to be totally absolutely gone I need to lose all sense of self and place let go of every single thread holding me to this space quit every question burning through my chest be nowhere, be nothing, completely disconnect as I was writing these words, the world proved my point bombs are falling in Iran, another war beginning, nothing is alright there'll be demonstrations downtown for a few days absolutely positively nothing is the difference these protests make I don't mean to be such a bummer nor do I think that not protesting is any better but fuck it's times like these I wanna just go away get buried in guitars and synthesizers and obliviate any part of me that cares about anything outside this room cos nothing out there is growing, nothing is gonna bloom even when I'm deeply in it, leading a class through the exploitation of human labour and the wealth that the owners amass less than half of me is there, more than half of me is not and I'd like to adjust the ratio, cos this world is coming in hot I won't withdraw forever and lose the opportunity to sing, and play guitar, and make albums that don't generate much web activity but this vessel can't manage the currents around it it's cracking and breaking and sinking and I'm not wearing a life jacket I need to lose all sense of self and place let go of every single thread holding me to this space quit every question burning through my chest be nowhere, be nothing, completely disconnect
6.
the title of this track is my thoughts on the soviet union and while this'll be boring to most I know it'll activate a few of you cos the Soviet Union is the focal point of many people's views about right and wrong in this world and what we need to do let me start this story with my drive into work this morning I got a meeting with my boss who received an email that was disturbing from an angry right wing person in finland who was very upset my boss showed me the email and the email said: "the one thing I have found most distasteful when doing my own studies in universities are the lecturers/professors/docents such who are completely incapable of keeping political indoctrination of their own completely broken worldviews away from their teaching. you seem like a prime example of such even though you are apparently even not man enough to stand behind your own words since you have deleted your recent tweets. I revel in the fact that every single time an ultra socialist even communist regimes have risen to power it has always been the sympathizers of such that have gotten themselves exterminated first. by trying to tell the finnish people of their own history in an absolutely twisted way you are not just insulting me but the people as a whole. regards" ok there's a lot to unpack in here I'm not sure where to start but I wanna make one thing clear I was not insulting "the finnish people" why would I do that? my childhood hero was teemu selanne the finnish flash I've cheered for sami salo and teppo numminen and saku koivu and one of my mentors was the finnish academic liisa north who taught me the importance of knowing my shit getting it right, not making stuff up, having a point and standing by it so when I engaged in a public discussion about finland in the second world war I knew what I was there for the only finns I took issue with were the ones who supported hitler and unfortunately it wasn't a small group, I wish the number was smaller see back in 1917 the world was in turmoil the first war fucked everyone up and it radicalized a lot of people russian, finn, hungarians and so many more sick and tired of being sick, of being hungry, of being poor so they rebelled against the rich and powerful but oh these things don't often go the way we would like them to go in russia the people won but everywhere else the rich closed ranks and shut it down and a lot of good people were killed that's how it all went down in finland you see and the finnish elite stayed close to the right and later to nazi germany so if you're picking sides in the finland-soviet war don't pick the side that sent people to death camps for being jewish or communist or quote unquote disloyal finland that was you, I'm really sorry if your narrative is spoiled this has all been documented by finnish scholars like oula silvennoinen so don't blame me for sharing truths if they're annoying and I guess this brings me back around to the question of the soviet union and how do we walk a measured line with power between exercising and abusing because frankly if you share the goals of communism as I do, you have to admit that under the same circumstances you might make the same choices that the soviets did but at the same time I suspect that if I'd lived there in the thirties I'd stand a reasonable chance of being targeted in the purges so all these years later it's not easy to assess this thing carefully you can easily find yourself attacking too hard or going too easy what I know for sure is that life for many people got a lot better and to deny that is to miss something that really really matters but even more profoundly important than that is another fundamental and incontrovertible fact the ussr was built on a series of fundamental beliefs about the inherent value of all people, not just the elite and that as a society we're capable of so much more than to monetize everything and put greed and selfish behaviour at the core so not thank you trolls, I don't wanna go to the gulag no, anarchists, I don't think it was always destined to bog down into a repressive state apparatus man, the entire ruling class was coming at us so yeah I wish things had gone a whole lot differently but what was started back in 1917 is the most important thing we're ever gonna do so I'm gonna need a whole lot more of you I'm gonna need a whole lot more of you I'm gonna need a whole lot more of you get in loser we're building something brand new I'm gonna need a whole lot more of you
7.
Develin 04:16
one night around six by the wallace street bridge between a high traffic street and the railroad fence was a cat looking desperate, trying to cross so I coaxed her over, scooped her up into my arms we crossed dundas avenue and I put her down and for the next three hours I followed her around and tried to convince her to walk into the neighbourhood and away from the dangerous street to someplace where I could console myself that she was gonna be alright cos it was cold, it was November, and I was already having a night but this cat walked alongside me, back and forth on the west side of dundas checking out every back lane, garden, front porch I'm not gonna lie, I got pretty attached couple times I tried to leave, got six steps away, then turned to come back a lot of people looked at us like we were nuts just a guy, walkin his cat with no leash, while people stared from the windows of the bus at one point we went into an alley where I thought she'd be safe so I said "ok my friend this is where I leave you, I hope our paths cross again some day" next thing I know, she popped her head out from behind an old crate hopped along over to me meowing like she was celebrating her birthday I know at this point you're probably getting nervous cos I don't write a lot of happy songs and all this detail must have a purpose so let me spoil the ending, you can relax, develin is ok I follow her on instagram now, she's got more followers every day so we just kept walking together for a very long time occasionally people stopped but mostly kept walkin on by one woman looked at my face and said "hey man are you doing ok?" I said "no, thanks for asking, there's a cat under this porch and I don't know where she lives or how to keep her safe" it turns out she lives on the other side of the bridge with a woman who came to pick her up and didn't seem too conscientious I looked at develin and I knew she wasn't mine to care for but I tried to impress upon her the importance of not crossing dundas anymore I went home, I was so cold memories of develin I'll forever hold
8.
The Mantle 07:46
today I woke up feeling well below my best the cat came over and he got comfortable on my chest and I'm lying if I say I suddenly felt different but sometimes the difference it makes is hard at first to detect when he started trying to get up there I pushed him away I said "cat fuck off I'm really not in the mood today" but bless his perfect heart he just kept whittling away until by sheer force of will he won the battle and I caved and a few minutes later I had tears on my face cos when you need love the most is usually when you push love away but cats see through all that bullshit and they love you anyway and for twelve years these beautiful creatures have taken care of me and I could feel his little heart beating next to mine and in that moment I could feel the passage of time and I couldn't ignore the fact that they're getting older faster than I and one day in the not so distant future we will say our last goodbye and I cried and I cried and I cried I was already having a rough day and I was overtired and the tears flowed down my face into the pillow where they dried and all that time his sweet little body rested on mine I'm thirty-seven years old and by now I wish I'd figured out how to let things go that I cared about to celebrate the quality of time we had not mourn the limited amount to keep my heart tender when it wants to peace out this wasn't supposed to be a song about my cat it was supposed to be about a conversation last night that left me feeling bad and all the questions I still have like where is my life going? am I a good man? and what does it mean to be nearly forty and falling in love? sometimes it's deeply satisfying sometimes it's fucking rough eighty years combined of baggage and trauma and stuff that can't be easily worked out in a couple of blissful months and people my age are scared we're lonely and we're sad but we've been burned so we play like we don't care when we do, too much sometimes, and that's fair cos there's a lot at stake when into the abyss of old age you're beginning to stare but all our shit is complicated the pathway through our hearts have taken years to be created and no architect sat down and said "this is how we will arrange it" no map to guide a visitor how best to navigate it and if I'm honest with you fuck I want to try I know I'm getting older and my cats are gonna die and I can manage on my own but then what's the point of life I want to give and take and love and build and hold and hurt and cry and raise kids, nice ones with strong personalities who learn to grow and care and tell good jokes and challenge me and who make this world a better place than maybe it deserves to be and who take care of you when I can't manage that responsibility but also just to plant gardens and read comics and play in the snow and write stories and visit winnipeg and stay home from school with a cold and ask questions like "dad when the sun sets where does it go" which hopefully I can answer because it pisses me off when there's something I don't know all of this is so easy to picture and at the same time seems like complete and utter fiction and what I didn't say about the cat is that he came to me covered in cat litter so I try not to paint idealized versions of the future but at the same time how else do you move forward getting older is about choosing to believe in your resources and trust that you can find the right balance of forces to take care of the beautiful things you cultivate among the disorder sometimes I think you think I think its simple you think you're the one who sees the many ways it could unravel you're watching wary from the ground while I climb up in the saddle like I'm over here putting pictures of our kids up on the mantle maybe it's my own fault for trying so hard to master the times when I feel like impending disaster is waiting round the corner as our hearts get closer that we're inches away from a collapse so spectacular that I may not recover that one heart will break and then it will break the other and then I'll sink into a hole and that hole will be covered my soul never ascend, forever it will hover and I don't know where all of this leaves us I'm struggling today and I'm trying to keep focus but there's bites all up my arm, I think it's from bedbugs and my rent is going up when it's already too much sometimes it's too much to bear on my own I'm grateful to these cats but I can't put down my phone if there's a fundamental truth about 2019 it's that we're all fucking alone and that's a terrible way to end a song but I knocked on the door and my heart just isn't home
9.
Trapped 04:22
it's a beautiful day in june, twenty degrees with a breeze, but I'm indoors watching a show about a murder that takes place in iceland in a small town in a winter storm I'm stuck in here with the cats while we wait for the poison spray in the rest of the house to dry cos I was getting bit by bed bugs and I was sick of it and I didn't know what to do so I called a guy the tv show is called trapped and that's how I feel as I watch people through the window walk by and also in the sense that I've been captive in this house knowing bugs were crawling and biting on me in the night and further to that I feel trapped by the deadline that's looming for the book I'm trying to write and sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my body when what I really wanna be is a free-floating mind I don't wanna get old to get back pain or cancer or dental surgery or shingles or hives sometimes I hate having to eat I wish I could take a pill and get all my nutrients and vitamins I had bad smells and discomfort and excessive noise and extreme heat and when my hands are cold as ice and I joke about carrying a cyanide pill so that if I ever get too old and pained I can quickly end my life but I know that's stupid and the pleasures of the mind aren't all they're cracked up to be and to think they exist outside the body is irrationality sometimes I drop the repressed act and allow myself to just be and I know you like those moments in me
10.
some days I can't help but think about loss and the extraordinary power it possesses over all of us especially me, I've done so much to limit the chances of being consumed by love and then consumed by its absence so here I am pushing forty effectively alone although I want so badly to be building a home a place that's safe and happy and clean and full of laughter a beautiful story before, during and after but loss, oh loss is just around the bend for every mother, father, lover, child and friend people die, people leave, and people change no matter what you do you just can't hold everything in place this has been the hardest thing I've ever had to learn halfway through my life and still that fear inside me burns burns a place somewhere between my heart and my stomach burns a hole so deep I could forever into it plummet but I've done a lot of hurt to myself and to others out of fearing the worst sometimes I walk the humber river when I need to breathe I watch the cardinals fly and the cottonwood drift in the breeze I watch the sunlight twinkle off the river magically I watch the salmon jump and I spend time with the ducks and the geese it helps me get out of the tight space in my mind it helps me remember that I am small and the world is wide sometimes I'm overwhelmed by the beauty that is life and more than once all alone by that river I have cried and in that place I say "tyler don't be afraid life is always in motion, everything will change and when it does, be steady and take it on and anytime you need to come back to this river and walk" and that's great and I try really hard to listen but all along this trail they're putting up high-density condo buildings and soon these peaceful paths will be overrun by people in spandex walking their dogs and talking loudly on the phone but I've done a lot of hurt to myself and to others out of fearing the worst there's a part of the trail I wish you could see the trees grow right over the path and form a canopy and the sun pokes through in tiny specks like the hearts on the ceiling above your childhood bed those hearts glowed in the dark and isn't that fitting it's what we both are trying to do from where each of us is sitting we're afraid, we want to love but all around is dark and that's why I'm out here trying to find the light in this beautiful park maybe one of us will find it while the other succumbs and we'll spiral away from each other until we're done and the threads we wove to hold each other close we will purge from our bodies like parasites infecting the host but I will try, fuck I will try not to fear an end not to worry that you'll die or leave or do harm that I can't mend and to remember if I can that you're the same as me just a soft little thing in a fucked up world, trying to be but we do a lot of hurt to ourselves and to others out of fearing the worst
11.
Blues 02:55
there's a certain shade of blue I get blue light tightness in my throat and in my chest blue like I can't seem to get a full deep breath blue like I'm somewhere between living and dead when I'm taken over by the deepest blue and I don't know how or what I can do to numb the sensation that I wanna be sick and instead just try to live in it I don't mean to sound like a cheap self-help guide but listen, I gotta lot of experience being a sad old guy sometimes that blue it's the colour of the sea and if you're not careful you'll sink into it until you can't breath but sometimes that blue can be the big sky seen from somewhere above the tree line or the blue in the jersey of your favourite team that lived and died on the shoulders of Henrik Sedin some blues are beautiful and real and they can make you cry like I try to do with nearly every song I write I've spent a lot of time trying to keep the blues at bay but they are the person I am and that person is here to stay

about

This is the most complete and resounding musical document of my solo catalogue and probably the one I will keep listening to as the years go by. Musically it is more traditional than the Cat Album, but more challenging than Love and Unfortunately Fascism (and it was written in 2019, in between those other two albums). I'm very proud of it and proud to share it.

It was recorded in the empty living-room-under-renovation of my friends Josh and Vicky. I recorded while they were away for the winter holidays, under the supervision of their daughter Samiya's fish, Coral Linus (RIP), who was kind enough to listen politely to outtakes that stretched well into the night and asked only a few pellets each evening in return.

The release of this album was delayed by the Cat Album, which took priority, so it is a full year out from when it was recorded. But in a way it works, given the strangeness of the 12 months that passed from then to now. Despite the changed context, I think these songs still resonate around questions of connection and alienation, love and loss, hope and despair. Thanks for listening.

credits

released December 23, 2020

All songs written, performed and produced by Tyler Shipley.
Album mastered by Jamie Sitar.

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Tyler Shipley Toronto, Ontario

Tyler Shipley was the founding member of the Consumer Goods (theconsumergoods.bandcamp.com) and now performs as a solo artist.

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