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lyrics

today I woke up feeling well below my best
the cat came over and he got comfortable on my chest
and I'm lying if I say I suddenly felt different
but sometimes the difference it makes is hard at first to detect

when he started trying to get up there I pushed him away
I said "cat fuck off I'm really not in the mood today"
but bless his perfect heart he just kept whittling away
until by sheer force of will he won the battle and I caved

and a few minutes later I had tears on my face
cos when you need love the most is usually when you push love away
but cats see through all that bullshit and they love you anyway
and for twelve years these beautiful creatures have taken care of me

and I could feel his little heart beating next to mine
and in that moment I could feel the passage of time
and I couldn't ignore the fact that they're getting older faster than I
and one day in the not so distant future we will say our last goodbye

and I cried and I cried and I cried
I was already having a rough day and I was overtired
and the tears flowed down my face into the pillow where they dried
and all that time his sweet little body rested on mine

I'm thirty-seven years old and by now I wish I'd figured out
how to let things go that I cared about
to celebrate the quality of time we had not mourn the limited amount
to keep my heart tender when it wants to peace out

this wasn't supposed to be a song about my cat
it was supposed to be about a conversation last night that left me feeling bad
and all the questions I still have
like where is my life going? am I a good man?

and what does it mean to be nearly forty and falling in love?
sometimes it's deeply satisfying sometimes it's fucking rough
eighty years combined of baggage and trauma and stuff
that can't be easily worked out in a couple of blissful months

and people my age are scared
we're lonely and we're sad but we've been burned so we play like we don't care
when we do, too much sometimes, and that's fair
cos there's a lot at stake when into the abyss of old age you're beginning to stare

but all our shit is complicated
the pathway through our hearts have taken years to be created
and no architect sat down and said "this is how we will arrange it"
no map to guide a visitor how best to navigate it

and if I'm honest with you fuck I want to try
I know I'm getting older and my cats are gonna die
and I can manage on my own but then what's the point of life
I want to give and take and love and build and hold and hurt and cry

and raise kids, nice ones with strong personalities
who learn to grow and care and tell good jokes and challenge me
and who make this world a better place than maybe it deserves to be
and who take care of you when I can't manage that responsibility

but also just to plant gardens and read comics and play in the snow
and write stories and visit winnipeg and stay home from school with a cold
and ask questions like "dad when the sun sets where does it go"
which hopefully I can answer because it pisses me off when there's something I don't know

all of this is so easy to picture
and at the same time seems like complete and utter fiction
and what I didn't say about the cat is that he came to me covered in cat litter
so I try not to paint idealized versions of the future

but at the same time how else do you move forward
getting older is about choosing to believe in your resources
and trust that you can find the right balance of forces
to take care of the beautiful things you cultivate among the disorder

sometimes I think you think I think its simple
you think you're the one who sees the many ways it could unravel
you're watching wary from the ground while I climb up in the saddle
like I'm over here putting pictures of our kids up on the mantle

maybe it's my own fault for trying so hard to master
the times when I feel like impending disaster
is waiting round the corner as our hearts get closer
that we're inches away from a collapse so spectacular

that I may not recover
that one heart will break and then it will break the other
and then I'll sink into a hole and that hole will be covered
my soul never ascend, forever it will hover

and I don't know where all of this leaves us
I'm struggling today and I'm trying to keep focus
but there's bites all up my arm, I think it's from bedbugs
and my rent is going up when it's already too much

sometimes it's too much to bear on my own
I'm grateful to these cats but I can't put down my phone
if there's a fundamental truth about 2019 it's that we're all fucking alone
and that's a terrible way to end a song but I knocked on the door and my heart just isn't home

credits

from Coral Linus: Memories of the World That Was, released December 23, 2020

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Tyler Shipley Toronto, Ontario

Tyler Shipley was the founding member of the Consumer Goods (theconsumergoods.bandcamp.com) and now performs as a solo artist.

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