The Hearts on Your Ceiling

from Coral Linus: Memories of the World That Was by Tyler Shipley

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lyrics

some days I can't help but think about loss
and the extraordinary power it possesses over all of us
especially me, I've done so much to limit the chances
of being consumed by love and then consumed by its absence

so here I am pushing forty effectively alone
although I want so badly to be building a home
a place that's safe and happy and clean and full of laughter
a beautiful story before, during and after

but loss, oh loss is just around the bend
for every mother, father, lover, child and friend
people die, people leave, and people change
no matter what you do you just can't hold everything in place

this has been the hardest thing I've ever had to learn
halfway through my life and still that fear inside me burns
burns a place somewhere between my heart and my stomach
burns a hole so deep I could forever into it plummet

but I've done a lot of hurt
to myself and to others
out of fearing the worst

sometimes I walk the humber river when I need to breathe
I watch the cardinals fly and the cottonwood drift in the breeze
I watch the sunlight twinkle off the river magically
I watch the salmon jump and I spend time with the ducks and the geese

it helps me get out of the tight space in my mind
it helps me remember that I am small and the world is wide
sometimes I'm overwhelmed by the beauty that is life
and more than once all alone by that river I have cried

and in that place I say "tyler don't be afraid
life is always in motion, everything will change
and when it does, be steady and take it on
and anytime you need to come back to this river and walk"

and that's great and I try really hard to listen
but all along this trail they're putting up high-density condo buildings
and soon these peaceful paths will be overrun
by people in spandex walking their dogs and talking loudly on the phone

but I've done a lot of hurt
to myself and to others
out of fearing the worst

there's a part of the trail I wish you could see
the trees grow right over the path and form a canopy
and the sun pokes through in tiny specks
like the hearts on the ceiling above your childhood bed

those hearts glowed in the dark and isn't that fitting
it's what we both are trying to do from where each of us is sitting
we're afraid, we want to love but all around is dark
and that's why I'm out here trying to find the light in this beautiful park

maybe one of us will find it while the other succumbs
and we'll spiral away from each other until we're done
and the threads we wove to hold each other close
we will purge from our bodies like parasites infecting the host

but I will try, fuck I will try not to fear an end
not to worry that you'll die or leave or do harm that I can't mend
and to remember if I can that you're the same as me
just a soft little thing in a fucked up world, trying to be

but we do a lot of hurt
to ourselves and to others
out of fearing the worst

credits

from Coral Linus: Memories of the World That Was, released December 23, 2020

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Tyler Shipley Toronto, Ontario

Tyler Shipley was the founding member of the Consumer Goods (theconsumergoods.bandcamp.com) and now performs as a solo artist.

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