ok let me set the scene it's an early january monday
I'm in sunnybrook park waiting for a guy named landon to call me
to tell me that the servicing is finished and my toyota corolla is ready
so I can drive it home to my cats and a great big pile of grading
wow as I wrote that, landon called
I guess I still have the power of prediction in my songs
it's trivial maybe but it really trips me out
I've become conscious of it every time I write now

I'm gonna try to break the spell today
by noting that in writing down these words it's possible that I'm not paying
enough attention to the path I'm walking
through the snow along the side of a cliff with a steep dropping
it's beautiful and I can hear the creek down below
but it's a fifty foot drop and it's slippery along the edge from the snow
which is a bit wet because it's a melty day, two degrees and sunny

I think this song was gonna be about walking near the edge of a cliff
I was going to prove to myself that my songs aren't psychic
but I got another call and now the song's been derailed
but I also didn't fall down the side of a mountain, so, yay
really though I've been trippin out about the power of my worry
and this is bad because I struggle with this sort of thing already
and the fear that if I get too high and walk too close to the edge
I am destined to slide and fall and plummet to my death

see this is a thing with me
not fear of literal heights but of the idea of letting myself genuinely believe
that things are good, that I'm ok, everything is alright
which I associate with the feeling right before my life is blown up by dynamite

and now it's a week later but it's a similar kind of day
it's sunny and mild and thank god because I needed a break
from the cold of last week, I became so shut in
spending all my time in the house trying to get the cat to tuck in
to any one of the more than twenty different foods I'm trying to offer
to entice him into eating because he's not and it's making him suffer
and I know this means we're getting closer and closer to the end
but I can't accept it, I'm in denial I'm just trying to find the right blend

of smell, and taste, and position, and placement
that will unlock his instinct to dig into his bowl of chicken
with the proteins and the nutrients that his body needs to survive
come on cat, do this for me, you need to fucking stay alive
but yesterday something unlocked for me inside
aliya said no matter what you do he's in the cycle of his own life
and it's gonna end and it's gonna be shattering and the rest of us will still be here
and I'm crying trying to write this but it's what I needed to hear

so today I got outside and breathed the air and I let something go
the idea that I can save his life if I just do the right thing, but no
there's nothing much I can do that will change this cat's path
all I can do is love him and his brother and do my best to give him snacks
until the moment comes and my uncle ross says I'll know when it does
he and darlene have loved a lot of cats and I asked them if they could share any thoughts
and he said:

it's hard man because we love them so much. dar reminds me of a special vet we had, a kitty generation ago, whose advice was, when it gets to that stage, don't hang on for your sake, do what is best for your friend who seems no longer to have quality of life. it's very hard to make that decision but it is truly best. when you make the decision please be with him / hold him and comfort him with love. we love you pal.

and fuck, these are moments that just punch you in the gut
there's just so much fucking sadness cos there's so much fucking love
and as I've been going through this thing there are people who've reached out
to offer love and support and kindness and to help me stay grounded
my brother had two cats and he knows what's going on
so he's been texting me about starting a tashcan sinatras cover band and playing songs
that we both love and it's been fun to think about which songs we would play
and what the band would be called, I said garbage pail shipleys but I don't think it's gonna take

and my other brother's wife has been looking up our family tree online
she found a picture of a great great grandfather who looked exactly like my dad, it was frightening
and she shared this with me and we talked a bit back and forth
about family histories and I know they just wanted to check in and keep me on board
these are little things but the difference they make is enormous
like I'm still laughing at my brother's text about the band which stipulated 'no tricky chords'
so I'm gonna throw a few real doozies into this next section
to get em out of my system, ok here goes, cover your ears gavin

I wish all these people lived closer
one of my biggest regrets as I get older
is being so far from my sister and brothers
cos I'd really like to have a beer and play some covers
and play in the annual road hockey game
and spend saturdays roasting the carolina hurricanes
and read books with brynne before bed
and play catch with kiwi and try not to get hit in the head
and help fix each other's houses and garages
and complain about the potholes and the local tv ads
and just be a ten minute drive away
so that our lives are connected everyday

ok I'll bring it back to sunybrook park
these songs always make sense to me but I know for some of you it's hard
to follow the thread, to see the point, to understand where I'm going
it's like I'm making footprints in the snow but I forgot it's still snowing

and the sound of the snow crunching underneath my boots
in this park in 2020 takes me back to 1992
every day twice a day walking between my home and lincoln school
a lot of who I was back then, it still rings true

but knowing who I am and where I come from is so important
without that I could easily drift further and faster toward
the edge of that cliff all covered in ice
so thank you to the crunching snow and to all the people who keep me alive