I've never witnessed any living creature die
and despite seeing it in the movies I've no idea what it's like in real life
but pretty soon I'm gonna know
because my little red cat is at the end and there's only one way this can go

last night I held him in my arms and I cried
and today he sat at my feet all day while I tried to write
but he can barely walk without falling over
because he's refusing to eat and there's really nothing I can do to force him

we've had nearly thirteen beautiful years together
he's seen me at my worst and he's seen me at my better
and I understand him intuitively and without language
I know from the look on his face if he's happy or sad or angry

or scared, I've seen that one a lot this last month
he's scared of what's happening in his body and of all the discomfort
and I'm sure he's scared of dying, because who the hell isn't
and I don't know what to tell him except that I'll be with him to the end

I go a little bit numb when I try to picture that moment
even though I should probably prepare because any day now I'm gonna live it
I don't know what it means to keep it together for a cat
he can read my emotions and to them he often reacts

does he need me to be strong and steady and reassuring
does he need to know that I will miss him and that his memory I will carry
does he need to be distracted so the last thing he feels isn't fear
god I would do any fucking thing to keep him here

part of me can't even believe that this is real
every day for the last thirteen years he's meowed while I fixed up his meals
and every day when I came home he ran up to the door with a little trill
like 'hey dad where the hell have you been my stomach is literally eating itself'

I don't mean to suggest that all he cared about was snacks
he was also very serious about rubbing his face against my hand
while I tried to grade papers and sometimes he'd flip right down on the stack
and I'd have to apologize to my students because there'd be fur on their exams

I have an endless list of things to say about this little guy
but all I think about is that very soon I will holding him while he dies
a lot of sad and hard things have happened in my life
but right now this one feels really dramatic and insane and horrifying

soon I'll be watching the life drain out of my beloved companion
and watching his brother trying to make sense of what is happening
I don't know what it's like to mourn one cat alongside another
or how to explain to him that he'll never again get to chase his brother

across the living room floor like a couple of maniacs
and onto the bed where their claws would jab my leg and give me heart attacks
and into the kitchen where they'd slide across the tiles
over the years they've probably chased each for hundreds of miles

and now one has reached the end of the road
and we have no idea what comes after, when the road ends where do you go
do you float into a place where there's an endless bowl of delicious snacks
or does everything fall silent, it just ends and that's that

I would do anything for these cats including ending their pain
but it's a lot harder in reality then when it's just an abstract thing you say
so I just listened to the trashcan sinatras song 'should I pray'
and when I got to the end of the song I asked myself the same

'am I talking to myself in these prayers
or will they lead me somewhere in death'

I don't know frank, but maybe I will pray for my little friend
as he crosses over into the unknown that is the end
and I will hold his paw from the start until the finish
and wherever in this world that he goes I will be with him

I've got just over twenty four hours left to spend with him
but I stepped out to get a coffee and it's just started snowing
and before I go home I'm gonna pop over to the pond in high park
to say hi to the ducks because right now I really need their support

animals understand life and death better than we do
some of my friends have come to say goodbye and cry and that's beautiful too
but we have this inherent sense of it not being fair like we've been cheated or wronged
animals understand that this is just the world carrying on

so I'm gonna spend ten minutes visiting with the ducks
to try to find some comfort in the midst of something that utterly fucking sucks
because like the ducks and my friends and the other cat, my life will continue
my time here isn't over and I have to be able to contribute

so a bit later that afternoon I walked down the street to get another coffee
and sat in front of the shop for a minute, it was still snowing
and i took a picture of the lithuanian banquet hall across the street
and couple came by and tied their dog up next to me

I don't always like dogs but this one I understood
she was an old black lab and she was tired and I recognized the look
in her eyes, she knew pain just like I did
so I sat with her and stroked her head and we were truly together for a minute

eventually I knew I had to go home and spend my last night with the cat
but nothing felt right, everything derailed and I went into a kind of panic
I guess it's hard to plan something like this, sometimes it just doesn't go the way
you wanted it to so you go to sleep and you wake up and it's a new day

and now it's that day and I'm crying in my bed
cos it's about nine hours this cat has left
and my body feels empty and sick and shaky and broken and unreal
but I'm trying to remember that this is a terrible terrible wound but over time it will heal

and I'm thankful because so many kind people have sent their love
my mother and my sister and my brother and greg and riaz and hulya and the neighbour who lives above
and we're only a few hours away and that song is still in my head
'lose a life, lose a love, losing all my friends'

this cat was all those things to me I know
he was a foundational piece of my life, I held him this morning and said 'you are my home'
he was love, he was the meaning of it, no creature ever loved so
and in the end he was my friend, he made the world warmer and made me less alone

yesterday the universe gave us a comforting blanket of snow
and today the sun came out to remind us that onward we must go
and I thanked him for the endless gifts he gave to me
the laughter, the love, the support and on my hardest days a reason to be

and now it's a few hours away from his last breath
and we're sitting together on my old chair and I'm rubbing his head
and we're watching the trains roll by and the wind blowing the snow
if there has to be a last afternoon this one is beautiful

and now he's sitting on the floor and I'm playing this song for him
goodbye my sweet friend, goodbye I love you and I forever will
until it's me sitting there getting ready to face the end of my life
you will be in my heart, I love you so much, goodbye