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Love and Unfortunately Fascism

by Tyler Shipley

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1.
watching wind blow the leaves all about makes me happy or sad, depending on what else is going down. one day life is a journey and we're all floating around. another, there's forces that pick us up and throw us to the ground. but i'll hold you if a storm is coming through cos in 2018 catastrophic storms is what we do. and i know this to be true: in spite of everything we're doing wrong, i still believe in all of you. what happened to me? i used to be cynical and sad, disillusion-clad. i'm aware that i'm regressing as a writer but there's bigger things at stake then making sure each line isn't earnest or trite or that i've got an original thing to say. i'll give you thirteen tracks of 'hold each other close' if it helps us live another day. what happened to me? i used to be cynical and sad, disillusion-clad. what happened to me? the times have made me twee. the winds are picking up, the water's getting rough, the earth is getting hot. if you're a maoist or a trot, time's not on our side, a front it must unite.
2.
at my dad's funeral i recited the blue jays lineup in my head, set up the batting order, and the defensive alignment, and the bullpen. kevin pillar was on the bench and zeke carrera took his place instead and I think that's how my dad would've wanted it. cos pillar is a showoff, he likes attention, and he's got a big mouth. and though he's a serviceable player his actions don't speak nearly loud enough to justify the swagger and bravado of this career .250 hitter who runs a little bit slower so that he can dive to make a catch look better. but carrera plays the kind of game my dad celebrated. he works hard, manufactures runs, takes risks that are calculated. he'll hit and run, steal a base, hit the opposite field if he pleases, and when he drops down a bunt for a basehit, goddam, what a masterpiece. my dad always appreciated these kinds of contributions, taught me to play my role in successful institutions. the context was baseball but it was really about friends and family. so i kept it together at the funeral and i said the eulogy. three or four times a week in the morning i wake up from a dream where my dad is alive and we're hanging out. sometimes its confusing and i don't know what it means and it feels contrived to say i still see my dad in dreams. but it's real and it's become a routine part of my life. i'll go to sleep and i find myself back home on a friday night. we'll watch a game on tv and dad calls some coach an idiot, and goddam, goddam, i miss the shit out of him.
3.
it's nathan and anne, and their two little cats, each of us growing old. its adrie and chris and every name that i miss stood together in rain and cold. it's the people i meet in the classes i teach and the ones that i hear in the halls. it's the woman who serves a quarter-chicken dinner at the swiss chalet dufferin mall. we need love. we need it so bad. we need love, it's a matter of life and death. with every day we're further away from knowing that things will be fine. fascism is here, the implications are clear, put our differences off to the side. i knew it last night, i saw stars i saw stripes, a police baton cracked on my arm. it's all going down. take a good look around. we don't let the ones that we love come to harm. we need love. we need it so bad. we need love. it's a matter of life and death.
4.
this guitar sat in its case, three hundred sixty three days, each of the last two years. but now it's out and i'm here. cos i saw two people living lives thick and full, youthful and wise, and i thought shit i'm thirty-six and i've still got strength in these fists. it's such a trip to give and to get. you gave me back my gift, oh my beautiful friends. and yeah the crowd will talk above these songs i crafted with love but that's just the nature of the beast, life isn't fair, this isn't north by northeast. and it's such a trip to give and to get. you gave me back my gift, oh my beautiful friends. it's such a trip to play this song in the house where you live, you gave me back my gift, oh my beautiful friends.
5.
i'm at least three-fifths coward, so this may surprise you. gonna open this barricade so you can come through. you can mix up my metaphors, shake out the dust in my eyes. cos i've been dead in my heart since 2000-something, keep doing the same thing, surprise, nothing's changing. let chevron and shell write the rules and the water will rise. and i can see a future i don't want to live in where i'm angry and sad and i'm lonely and i won't give in and i don't see the point of living if that's where i go. see the fascists are coming, our days might be numbered, there's things i've forgotten i gotta remember like putting out love without knowing where it's gonna go. in thirty-six years i've gotten accustomed to seeing the signs, to knowing the hustle, and getting out early while the damage can still be contained. treat life like a facebook so carefully curated, gas that corolla while pumping on the brake, no ruffling feathers or inappropriate pain. cos i can see a future i don't want to live in where i'm angry and sad and i'm lonely and i won't give in, and i don't see the point of living if that's where i go. see the fascists are coming, our days might be numbered, there's things i've forgotten i gotta remember like putting out love without knowing where it's gonna go. back to the point, yeah the matter at hand is that i've met someone who could break me in half with a look, a whisper, a snap or an unreturned text. i should bail, there's no question, this is gonna end badly, says every instinct i've developed to keep me, but fuck it, i'm staying, please pull me ashore when i wreck. cos i can see a future i don't want to live in where i'm angry and sad and i'm lonely and i won't give in, and i don't see the point of living if that's where i go. see the fascists are coming, our days might be numbered, there's things i've forgotten i gotta remember like putting out love without knowing where it's gonna go
6.
on every album i've ever made i wrote a song wherein i complained about someone who didn't treat me right - a questionable decision, in hindsight. oh buddy, you really missed the point, crying into your corduroy. so many people in your life done so much to do you right. i'll tell you what i am: i'm grateful for everything. the birds and the ducks and the cats. every person who's ever held my hand. writing songs is a privilege cos you can dictate the narrative under the guise of 'this is my art,' no different from a bully in the schoolyard. i did that to people i had loved because i was weak and i was scared of being judged for things i had done - a guilty conscience if ever there was one. i'll tell you what i am: i'm grateful for everything. the birds and the ducks and the cats. every person who's ever held my hand. oh i'll never fully figure it out, what i'm here for, what i'm about. but i'm here because people took care. i'm on the winning side of life ain't fair. i'll tell you what i am: i'm an impossibly lucky man. i love the birds and the ducks and the cats. and i'll find some way to pay it all back.
7.
if you're wearing black on christmas eve, one less stocking hanging by the tree, celebrating in a minor key - oh my friend, i'm with you, be here with me. cos the sun reflecting off the frozen lake and the cats out in the garden run and play, whatever you've lost, you still have today. so be loving when you give and be gracious when you take. this is my only christmas song, and it's here if you need help to be strong. there's pressure to be cool this time of year. and yeah, for real, there's people who still need you right here. but if inside you're missing someone you held dear and it don't get easier with every passing year. i never thought the holidays meant much until i lost somebody that i'd loved so if you've got a ghost watching you from up above, do your best, your best will be enough. this is my only christmas song, and it's here if you need help to be strong.

credits

released October 14, 2019

Written and recorded in late 2018 and early 2019, with Gareth Williams and Ryan McVeigh. Produced by Ryan McVeigh. Artwork by Nathan Nun.

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Tyler Shipley Toronto, Ontario

Tyler Shipley was the founding member of the Consumer Goods (theconsumergoods.bandcamp.com) and now performs as a solo artist.

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